"...and admit that I am not okay..."

Off.
I’ve been slightly emotionally “off” for a little while.
I know I need to give time to myself and to those around me.
I need to accept, to look deeper, and to not be judgmental.
I need to admit many things, to press forward, and to look for opportunities to serve (even in the small things) rather than to focus on myself and on my emotions.
Most importantly, I need to continue to trust in and cry out to God….to trust in His plan, to seek His will, and to find my identity in His Son. To wait on the Lord.

Still, I feel a strong need to verbalize that I’m not “all okay.”
Yes, in some ways it’s great to be “back” in Canada, but in other ways it’s not.
That’s not meant to be insulting, but it’s true…it’s not all okay. Not yet, anyhow.
I’m having to wrestle with and witness many things and that don’t “feel” good.
It’s unsettling.
Maybe that is a good thing. It’s definitely a growing thing!

Nichole Nordeman’s song Even Then (Woven and Spun) was playing earlier and it struck me and encouraged me. She doesn’t describe exactly what I’m feeling, but she displays the raw honesty and thankfulness that I need with Jesus right now!


It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

(Chorus)
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
(Chorus)

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

Just for fun

Sometimes, it is good to do things just for fun.
Lourdes (my patient Spanish teacher) and I enjoying a moment together.




The sixth grade team (do people really trust them to teach their children?!!!) ;)

Snippets

I journaled the entire flight from Honduras to Miami. My mind and heart were so full of thoughts/wonder/thanksgiving/nerves/varied emotions that it was the only thing I felt like doing! My journal has Bible verses printed on some of the pages. Below are some of the encouaraging and challenging words that were on the pages as I journaled.

"A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

"Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

"Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."
Jeremiah 33:3

What an encouragement!!! It has been a humbling and learning experience so far in my transition, with little joys and struggles along the way. I'm thankful that I can take comfort in the fact that Jehovah God is faithful!

ps - I will try to be a little more faithful in blogging! :)