Off.
I’ve been slightly emotionally “off” for a little while.
I know I need to give time to myself and to those around me.
I need to accept, to look deeper, and to not be judgmental.
I need to admit many things, to press forward, and to look for opportunities to serve (even in the small things) rather than to focus on myself and on my emotions.
Most importantly, I need to continue to trust in and cry out to God….to trust in His plan, to seek His will, and to find my identity in His Son. To wait on the Lord.
Still, I feel a strong need to verbalize that I’m not “all okay.”
Yes, in some ways it’s great to be “back” in Canada, but in other ways it’s not.
That’s not meant to be insulting, but it’s true…it’s not all okay. Not yet, anyhow.
I’m having to wrestle with and witness many things and that don’t “feel” good.
It’s unsettling.
Maybe that is a good thing. It’s definitely a growing thing!
Nichole Nordeman’s song Even Then (Woven and Spun) was playing earlier and it struck me and encouraged me. She doesn’t describe exactly what I’m feeling, but she displays the raw honesty and thankfulness that I need with Jesus right now!
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
(Chorus)
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
(Chorus)
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to
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3 comments:
Will keep you in prayer as you are starting your new job and readjusting to seasons and industrialized countries. (When the leaves start changing colors - don't worry, it's normal;)
((( hugs ))) So good to see you again and I'm sure that the transition is completely normal. It will take time and you'll rediscover some neat things about Canada again -- the fall, the snow, the great people (??!!). You felt the Lord's leading and He will continue to lead. D
Hi Theresa, this is Karen. :) I hope you don't mind that I'm reading your blog. I just want to say that it was so good to meet you finally and to talk with you. I can't even imagine how tough it is to come back and "start again"! I am praying for you, that you find your place quickly and that God will give you all you stand in need of to do your work here. Believe me, we are all so excited and thrilled to have you here. :)
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